Titled Parsnips

I had many ideas for titles but settled on Shorts You Will Never Wear. All the titles had reasons to dismiss them with a guffawry wave of the arms. I could just have easily called the collection any of the following:

The Horse Who Couldn’t do Algebra--No horses to my knowledge do algebra. I'm not a horse but I can't do it (whatever it is).

Twelve Couples Cut a Dash at Sainsbury’s--Who cuts dashes these days; they'd have to have been wearing swords.

Urk--too irksome.

Bloomfontein High Street from a Faulty Web Cam--What can anyone really see from a faulty camera?

Beaches, Dams and Madame Krsatskas’s Trowel Sharpener--Trowels don't need sharpening if used for the purpose they were designed for.

Four weddings, Four Funerals and Two Barrels of Gunpowder--Too Swiss, too formulaic

Screaming for the Sake of it--I like it--screaming for the sake of it--but not as a title.

Entering the House of the Subconscious, Humming a Dissonant Tune and Legging it--it has good parts but in the end it was unwieldy and weirdy.

Swinging on a Branch That Will Snap or Not--too much what if, we want snappings not the promise of what a snapping may bring.

Doctor Manifest the Goon Japist, of Lower Hutt--Might to well in the antipodean market but not north of the equator.

Tales from Nowhere--Trying too hard to be clever and heading for an orificy end, so to speak.

When Does the Dropping Stop?--Good title but had little relevance to any stories in the book.

Squirrels, Squirrelers and Squirrelophiles--Too squirrelly.

Pyjama Hems Frozen in Jelly--Reminds me of a nightmare I once had and can't forget.

Daytime and Night-time: the same thing but different?--Cheap shot at Outer Mongolian Footwear (a funk band from Broadstairs in Yorkshire).

Shorts You’d Wear if Pushed--Perfect we'll go for that. No wait; straining, one last push.

A Collection of Tales--Damn it; lost. Think, you bastard, think!

Shorts You Will Never Wear—bingo let’s go down the pub.


This was my circuitous route to a title that feels, looks and smells okay to me. What do you think? Can you think of a better title?